


Smiles Don't Hide Everything

by hipstermom



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Paranoia, Support
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-08 19:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5510366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hipstermom/pseuds/hipstermom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oikawa has been prone to depression since late childhood. Over the years, he's become incredibly skilled at concealing it, but Iwaizumi has known him long enough to know better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smiles Don't Hide Everything

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first short one shot for my depression headcanon. I have a headcanon that Oikawa has slightly severe/mild depression, but the only person who knows outside of his guardians is Iwa because of their long friendship.

        Oikawa isn't described by others as weak- not in athletics, academics, or otherwise- but that doesn't change how utterly weak he feels. It comes and goes, sometimes triggered by an event, sometimes not. It slowly, over time, became a normal occurrence, a small but persistent tugging in the back of his mind; as easy to ignore as it was to give in altogether. It wasn't noticeable to others, there was no way he could allow that, he was Oikawa after all.

        A light sigh could be heard as the sound of an alarm echoed off the high ceiling of the setter's pretty basic bedroom. It was simplistic and yet lavish at the same time. With light, pastel trimming bordering dark, earthy tones and small objects lining the walls. Everything from ribbons and trophies to posters of his favorite players across the globe. It wasn't as flamboyantly decorative as most people tend to expect and although he was pretty well off, there was no indicator that any of his items were expensive. Most of the money he came across went towards volleyball camps and new gear, as well as his everyday clothing because let's face it Oikawa isn't ashamed of his vanity. The boy's tired eyes raked over the buzzing phone screen as the alarm continued to cry out, but he'd been awake for some time now and the loud noise did no good. 

        It was another night that had arrested his sleep in the early hours of the morning- 4:28 AM to be exact. The past hours were a constant back and forward with himself: should he go back to sleep and risk sleeping through his alarm or just deal with the fatigue that was going to plague him anyway. The latter won. Sliding a weary finger across the screen, the room fell into silence. Lazily, he scooted to the edge of his futon. It was clear then by the metaphorical creak in his bones and the seemingly endless feeling of sinking from his shoulders to the pit of his stomach that today would be a difficult day to get through. His movements were met with a plea that resonated throughout the entirety of his being that begged, "stay home, don't go anywhere, you don't want to." Of course, that wasn't acceptable and he pushed himself to standing. 

        His room was on the second floor of his large house and the sounds of shuffling, yawns, and sleepy good mornings told him that everyone was already awake. The distant, sarcastic _'great'_ that echoed in his mind made him mentally chastise himself. Pale hands swipe across his face as he sauntered to the bathroom. It took about twenty minutes to brush his teeth and hair, wash his face, and find the energy he'd need to interact with people, but once he was done that well known, happy grin was on his face. It was genuine, as was the kiss on his mother's cheek and the pat on his father's shoulder. Slowly but surely, that sinking feeling ebbed until it was once again an easily ignored tug. 

        A series of angry texts from Iwaizumi about being late had the boy laughing again- it was fine, he was fine. Oikawa's arms encased the other male as he hopped onto Hajime's back, "good morning, Iwa!" Voice bright and happy, Oikawa felt just that and a little euphoric- Iwaizumi's presence tended to do that to him most of the time, it put him at ease unless the tugging was more incessant that usual. 

        Hajime, as per usual, grumpily shrugged Oikawa off of him. Standing from his spot on the short brick wall at the end of the street, Iwaizumi began their march forward, "how can you have so much energy right now? Stupid ball of energy." Tooru simply shrugged, smiling as he fell into step beside his best friend. The walk was short and filled mostly by Oikawa's chatter, but along the way Hajime noticed that it was- different. Oikawa looked the same as usual and he still talked way too much, but at the same time it seemed less. Less excited, less lengthy, at one point Iwaizumi felt the silence closing in on him and looked to see his friend completely spaced out. 

        Hajime saw something when Tooru glanced at him, Oikawa's eyes were bloodshot, his face pale and tired. Pausing, Iwaizumi grabbed Oikawa's arm to stop him as well, "hey, did you sleep last night?" It was an innocent question for most, but Iwaizumi had known Oikawa for years and by now he knew better. 

        It seemed that Oikawa also knew better because his next grin shone with the radiance of the sun as he spoke, "like the dead. I haven't had dreams that good in a while. You were in there too, there were aliens." For a while, Hajime's glare would have broken him down, but now they just stared levelly. Iwaizumi couldn't force the truth and Oikawa didn't offer resistance so they resumed walking. The day was long and grueling for Oikawa, but at least the tugging had subsided around halfway through. It was such a peaceful feeling that it almost concerned him- 'the calm before the storm,' he thought and it was. 

        "Oh, Iwa, that was awesome!" They were playing a practice match against a local volleyball club, not one associated with a school, but just a team formed to play in and around the city and they'd just won the second set. Iwaizumi grunted in response, but there was a smile, faint but he could see it, "must have been because of our awesome friendship that I knew you'd get that play." It was a taunt, normal and expected at this point, so was Iwaizumi's response. 

        "Like I'd want to be friends with you," something in Oikawa ached then, normally those words wouldn't bother him at all, but now they seemed to stick with him. Nonetheless, Oikawa grinned and muttered something about how mean Iwaizumi was to him. Again, the other male noticed something. Iwaizumi has learned the difference between Oikawa's smiles, the one he saw now was bigger than most and forced. It didn't look that way to anyone else, but he could see it. The way Oikawa squeezed his eye shut a little tighter than usual so he wouldn't meet Hajime's gaze, it made Iwaizumi uneasy. 

        After shaking hands, talking to the other team, and cleaning the gym, Iwaizumi and Oikawa began their stroll home. That was when he notice the third and final indicator that something was wrong. Oikawa was even quieter than earlier that morning and even quicker to deny it, his pace seemed sluggish, but not for lack of determination to get home. It was almost like he couldn't find the energy to walk and each step was a fight; being tired made sense after a game, but Tooru always had post-game adrenaline, except certain times.

        After Iwaizumi's comment, Oikawa put all of his energy into the game and keeping himself stable despite the return of the sinking feeling. The feeling itself was like being unable to breathe but having nothing but air in his chest. Like all of his internal organs just vanished and made way for air that he couldn't breathe without his lungs, he felt empty. Not only that, but the numb feeling started to spread from his chest to his arms and his head- by the end of the game he was dizzy and tired. his bones felt fragile and his throat burned. He began to ask himself, "who would want to be friends with someone like me?" He had no answer, he wouldn't. So as he walked next to Hajime, his gaze lingered on the path and he focused on not giving into the spreading numb feeling that begged him to lay down, to not move. 

        "Oikawa, what's wrong with you?" His friend's words were harsh, but there was concern heavily laced in the question. When there was no answer, just a weak smile, Iwaizumi dropped it for the time being. It was clear that Tooru wasn't going to talk to him, but Iwaizumi would only let that slide for as long as they were in public. Oikawa's parents would still be at work until later, they always were which left plenty of time for him to make Oikawa talk. So when they arrived at the male's home and Oikawa made to wave goodbye, Hajime shook his head and went inside. 

        "Iwa, what are you doing? You're mom will be worried." Tooru's voice was curious, but also panicked and Iwaizumi ignored him- stomping up the stairs to Oikawa's room as the other called after him, "Iwa, seriously."

        Once Oikawa was in the room, Hajime shut the door and faced him. What he saw was a large, fake smile meant to disarm the boy, but instead it enraged him. "Tooru, stop fucking smiling at me and tell me what's wrong. You really think I don't know you well enough to tell when something's wrong? Don't insult me, I'm your best friend." 

        Oikawa's eyes drooped noticeably, he didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to admit that he still couldn't control the tugging, couldn't ignore it. He had no reason to feel this way, his life was great. However, he did feel it, it was sadness. Unexplained and confusing sadness over nothing, paranoia and assumptions. His legs finally gave out, the feeling became so wholly consuming that he couldn't even stop himself from slouching against the wall as he slid to the floor. Iwaizumi came to sit next to the over, shoulder's touching and Oikawa spoke, "I'm just tired. I didn't sleep much last night."

        "I know that, I could tell, but that's not what's bothering you so tell me." 

        Oikawa took a deep breath, staring at his shoes. He was terrified, there was no way he could talk about it- whatever it was- and yet he did because it was Iwaizumi asking. "Do you really want to be my friend or do you just pretend?" Out loud the question didn't make sense to ask, but he didn't know how else to phrase it. The only person he has to rely on truly is Hajime, he's always been there, but at some point everyone has to get fed up, right?

        "What?" The word alone held so much disgust and disbelief that Oikawa's heart sank, even more so when Hajime's heat disappeared and he thought Iwaizumi had left. It wasn't until hands were forcing him to look up that Oikawa realized the boy was kneeling in front of him. Hajime's eyes were wide and displayed things Oikawa never expected to see: fear and hurt. "How can you ask that? Do you honestly believe I would pretend to be your friend, after so long?" He did, genuinely. 

        The boy didn't say anything and was appalled when Hajime wiped something from Tooru's cheeks, tears. He hadn't even known that he was crying, it was like his body was attacking him and he didn't know what to do. "Tooru, you have been my best friend since I could walk. I know I joke around, but I thought you knew better." 

        Oikawa folded in on himself, not only was he pathetic, but now he'd upset his best friend- hurt him even, "I'm sorry." His eyes closed so that he didn't have to see that look, Iwaizumi's raw emotion right in front of him, reminding him that he was a jerk, "sorry." Arms pulled the boy forward, wrapping around him tightly. Iwaizumi knew how terrifying it was to think about losing Oikawa as a friend and to think that the other was genuinely concerned for their friendship was jarring somehow. His eyes were wide as a silence fell around them. 

        "No, I'm sorry. I knew something was off with you and I didn't think before I spoke," Hajime wasn't sure how to be comforting. He was a physical person, words weren't really his thing so he left it at that and tightened his grip on the other. It seemed to work because Oikawa's shoulders eventually stopped shaking and the labored breathing fell into rhythmic half sighs that were Oikawa's equivalent of snoring. Iwaizumi didn't move, not at all for the rest of that night except to text his mom, he'd known that Oikawa would get sad about things sometimes and every now and he'd had to deal with it several time; however, he never thought it would be his fault that Oikawa would be this way and that was terrifying in it's own way. 

        After a while of staring wide-eyed at Oikawa's wall, Hajime felt the rhythm of the other's breathing lulling him into sleep and even then with his legs and arms cramping, Iwaizumi didn't move. 


End file.
